These Words given by My Father Which Saved Me as a New Dad

"In my view I was just in survival mode for a year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of being a father.

However the truth soon became "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You are not in a good spot. You require some help. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mums and about PND, less is said about the struggles dads face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader reluctance to communicate among men, who often absorb negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It is not a sign of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a pause - spending a couple of days away, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the expression of emotion and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "terrible actions" when in his youth to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he explains. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead provide the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."